he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
