so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
