Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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