Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
