Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
