Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
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