i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
