Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
