Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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