Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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