I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
