Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
