If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
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As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
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Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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