I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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