I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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