omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
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Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.