She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.