I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been