Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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