My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
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