The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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