We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
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What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
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Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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