Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
