Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
