well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
