this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
