i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Randomize
