I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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