sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
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i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
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I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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