I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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