At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
