my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
