You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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