Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
