I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
