i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
