i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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