I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
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