Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My dad is sitting where you rode me
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
