Someone shit on the floor
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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