I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
