The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
