His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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