i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
