My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
