did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
