I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
