Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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