why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
