I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
