pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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