You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
