I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
