Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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