Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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