hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
