Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Randomize
