You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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