Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
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He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
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Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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